


Playing Pretend

by Burrahobbit



Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Deacon-centric, Everyone Has Issues, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Kellogg is only mentioned, Mutual Pining, Spoilers, Swearing, main quest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-06
Updated: 2016-09-06
Packaged: 2018-08-13 09:12:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7971316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Burrahobbit/pseuds/Burrahobbit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Deacon tells himself things in order to pretend. He says that he isn't a fuck up, he doesn't care about anybody, and he's just fine.</p><p>Snippets of Emma Warren (codename Whisper) and Deacon's relationship throughout the main quest. Major spoilers for the whole game and Deacon's affinity dialogue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Playing Pretend

**Author's Note:**

> Emma Warren is my Sole Survivor. This is based on her journey, although it isn't completely true to how I played it that time, since I didn't have Deacon as a companion until I finished Valentine's, Hancock's, and Codsworth's affinities, which took up the whole main quest and a bit of post- questing.  
> I thought I did alright with this, considering it's my first time writing Deacon. Hope you all enjoy!

People call her many different things - Vaultie, Sole Survivor, heroine, trouble, and a select few call her Emma Warren. Whichever people decide to use, it’s obvious she’s made quite the name for herself. Deacon follows her around, watches, and listens, but it’s already obvious that she’s kindhearted and helpful. There’s got to be more - there’s always more than that - and the Railroad spy begins slowly piecing together a story.  
She was cryogenically frozen in Vault 111, and lost her son Shaun to a kidnapper while inside. She’s looking for him, gathering clues while travelling across the Commonwealth. Everywhere she goes, Deacon isn’t far behind, putting on a new disguise each time. Emma never recognizes him, despite always being on her toes in this unfamiliar wasteland.  
So far, it seems like the Institute was involved in the kidnapping. He hopes it wasn’t, for her sake. However, the prospect of having her join the Railroad is tantalizing. They could use her skills…  
He slips a rumor into Diamond city. ‘Follow the freedom trail,’ it says. He hopes she gets the message. For now, he can’t do much more - Desdemona would kill him for even doing this, were she to find out.

There’s a blinding spotlight aimed right at Emma. He intervenes at the perfect moment, like he always does. Desdemona will trust his opinion - after all, his opinion has saved their asses more than once. He tells her what she’s done, the impressions she’s made, both on other people and on him.  
With the promise of a fully-intact Courser Chip, Dez lets her into HQ. After they get the chip decoded and give her the necessary data, she approaches Deacon.  
Actually talking to her is strange, considering the whole time he’s known her, he’s always been on the sidelines. He doesn’t give away that he’s been following her, brushing off her questions with, “It’s my job to know things.”  
She shrugs and doesn’t push further.  
The Railroad needs her, and he says as much. Emma seems surprised at this - with how many people she’s been helping, he can’t imagine why.  
“I got a job. Too big for me. Just perfect for the two of us.”

"Why'd you choose Whisper?" Deacon asks, because he's incredibly curious about this woman. The more he learns about her, the more he's confused. There's always three main motives - power, ego, and money - and yet she seems to have none of those ambitions on her mind.  
"I thought it would be Railroad-y. It sounds all mysterious and spy-like."  
For a second, Deacon considers that Emma might be a paradox. The universe has taken everything from her - home, husband, and baby all in one disaster of a day - and yet here she stands, excited to join a secret organization like a kid getting into their first club.  
It scares him sometimes, although he would never admit it. Seeing Emma now, she is the picture of kindness. He remembers, though. He remembers hearing how she took down every one of Sinjin's men to save Kent Connolly, and he saw first hand how she handled the situation at Switchboard. She's a force of nature, a massacre waiting to happen, and he knows that if she's not on their side, then they're doomed.  
She still doesn't know he's been following her around ever since she was a blip in his scope. He doesn't doubt she would believe every lie he tells, not because she is naive, but because she trusts despite the dishonesty of this whole fucking wasteland, and if that isn't a paradox then Deacon can't figure out what is.  
"I was wondering, though... We made an excellent team back there, and I want to know if you'd come with me," Emma says.  
Deacon pretends to consider it, because blurting out 'yes' would seem a bit desperate-looking. He agrees, of course. Even though the Vaultie attracts danger like a moth to a flame, he can't help but be pulled in as well.  
Walking out of HQ, the pair leave North Church behind them. They cross the river, since Emma insists that they have to check out that boat lodged in a building across the water, and Deacon trails behind.  
He realizes distantly that he hasn't seen her face in weeks - not since she put on that assault gas mask and has since refused to take it off. He wonders if he could convince her to get a different helmet. It would really be unfair, though. Whisper has never seen him without sunglasses before, so he supposes that seeing her in a mask for a few weeks is a fair trade.  
Besides, her face looks a lot kinder when it's not smeared in blood.

Deacon has never seen Emma wear a wedding ring.  
He doesn't ask why she doesn't wear it, or where her's has gone. That's too personal. He's still curious, and he looks out for little clues, but he never mentions it.

"I feel dirty," Whisper says one evening after they set up camp in an old diner. The city never lacks hideouts.  
"Not showering for days will do that to you," Deacon jokes lightly.  
"Not like that. I mean, inside." She's completely serious, and it bothers him. The list of things he's worth keeping around for is short, and 'emotional support' is not one of them.  
"I've never told you what happened with Kellogg. I think you should know."  
Whisper opens up to him. She explains how she tracked that fucker down, about how it took her hours to take him out. She talks about ripping out his cybernetics and keeping them for a while, until she was sick of seeing them in her bag and she sold them. She admits that she took everything he had on him, right down to his fucking clothes, so she could feel like she stole things from him, just like he stole everything from her.  
It pulls at Deacon's heart, because it makes him remember his own past, and he hates doing that.  
He's been silent this whole time. He can't figure out what to say. It's a striking resemblance to himself, and he thinks he might slip up if he doesn't tread carefully.  
"If you want to stop traveling with me, that's okay. I just wanted you to know."  
Deacon has to take a second to process what she's said. It really fucks him up, because he wants to be able to talk to her about this like a regular human being, but he's always got to lie through his teeth, and that's a hard habit to break. Still, he owes her some half-truths and avoidances, rather than out-right lies.  
"Look, I get it." More than you'll probably know. "He killed your husband and kidnapped your son. You got angry. Killing him doesn't make you some cold-blooded monster." What I did was so much worse. "I'm still sticking with you, Whisper. I'll be like a parasite - annoying and right here beside you. Also, I might feed off you, but that's part of the parasite-package, I'm afraid."  
Emma actually chuckles at that, and it's a relief. Still, Deacon feeds her some shit about being a synth only minutes later, and she eats up his every word. He hands her his ‘recall code.’ She says that she’s so glad he decided to trust her. He tells himself it only stings a little to hear that.  
Whisper mentions that they'll be heading back to Sanctuary after stopping for a day in Diamond City. She'll need supplies for when she treks to the Glowing Sea. Both sadly and happily, Deacon will not be coming with. The rads would kill him without power armor, so Nick Valentine will be going with her instead. Still, he wishes he could meet this Virgil guy in person. Anyone who's an enemy of the Institute is a friend of theirs.  
Except the Brotherhood, of course. Fucking pricks.

Turns out, Emma dislikes the Brotherhood of Steel almost as much as everyone else. After hearing all they'd done and what they stood for, she was incredulous.  
"I can't believe that. They just hoard technology that the whole Commonwealth- no, the whole world could use? And for what, so they can ride around in Vertibirds? If they weren't up in their giant blimp, I would punch them myself." She’s making a big ruckus everyone this side of the Commonwealth can probably hear. Nobody in Sanctuary bats an eye at her yelling - maybe because the General of the Minutemen is bit on-edge at times, but she’s damn good at her job.  
"All of them?" Deacon asks, though he means it as a joke.  
"Every single one of them. Especially their leader, Elder what's-his-name. I'd punch him right in the nose."  
He's really glad to hear all this, because it's one less thing he has to worry about. Whisper hating the Brotherhood means that if they ever get in the Railroad's way, then they can set her loose in the Prydwen and have her go nuts. 'Set her loose' sounds like a bit of an impolite term, but it's the only fitting way to describe it. He's learned that they don't control her. She's happy to do some of their field work and help synths, but she doesn't take well to being ordered around too much. Deacon doubts they'll need to order her to do anything.  
She gets back up and stretches. "So, look. I understand that Dez might want me to tell her about the Institute teleporter, so do you mind sending a message? I'll be working here with Sturges, and we'll probably still be working when you get back, so no worries."  
Desdemona will probably flip when she hears Whisper is already building the teleporter without letting them know immediately, but Deacon is sure she'll let it slide when he offers her access to the Institute's secrets.  
"I'm on it then, boss. Just don't get used to me delivering messages for you - I'm a spy, not a mailman."  
"Don't get into too much trouble without me," she teases back, and Deacon feels himself grinning impulsively.  
"You know me. Or, you don't, and that's the point."  
He sticks up finger guns and walks away, preparing for a trip to HQ and back. It's not like he hasn't done it before, but it's still awful.  
He really misses the Switchboard.

Deacon considers for a moment, while he’s alone, that he might be beginning to trust Whisper. The thought nearly makes him sick. Trusting people has cost him so much already, and he hates that he might be getting soft because of some Vaultie.  
Except she’s not just some Vaultie, she’s a mother with a mission, and he’ll be surprised if she doesn’t fix the whole fucking Commonwealth by the time she’s done with it.

When Deacon comes back, Sturges is nailing some paneling onto a large console.  
“If you’re wonderin’ where the General went, don’t worry. She’s makin’ a trip to Abernathy Farm for some supplies. Should be back in a bit, if there ain’t any trouble,” Sturges says before he can even ask.  
“Thanks. I’ll be hanging around while you two rig this up, if you don’t mind,” Deacon replies. It wouldn’t really matter if anyone did mind, since he’d just stick around anyways, but it’s better to pretend.  
Sturges smiles warmly. “Of course not. You’re welcome here any time.”  
The hospitality is reassuring. Just like everyone in this place, the mechanic has a happy disposition. It doesn’t bother Deacon one bit - in fact, it makes lying and snooping a whole lot easier when everyone is extremely kind and trusting.  
What does bother him is that he feels a sense of deja vu every time he hangs around Sanctuary’s resident handy-man. It almost feels like he’s seen the man somewhere, or that they’ve met before.  
Sturges doesn’t seem to recognize him, though, so he pushes the feeling aside, but he doesn’t completely ignore it.  
After all, rule one of being in the Railroad is to trust your gut.  
When Whisper comes back hauling junk, Deacon helps her as best as he can with whatever she needs, which is mostly staying out of the way and not annoying the residents - not that he does much of either. Still, they humor him for the most part. Considering most of the people here are Emma’s close friends, it’s not too much of a surprise. They’re all probably getting used to him by now.  
They finish the teleporter late at night, if the dark sky is anything to go by, retreating to their beds with the agreement that they will do last-minute checks first thing in the morning. After that, Deacon knows they’ll be itching to try it out.  
It’s a one-person, one-way trip. They knew that going in, and there’s no stopping now, not when Whisper is achingly close to getting her son back.  
That said, Deacon can’t help but feel anxious about the journey. He’s lost so many people before.  
He isn’t ready to lose someone else.

The teleporter is primed and ready. Generators whirr to life only feet away, their massive output used to power the machinery. Everyone is gathered around, watching as Whisper steps up onto the platform. Her closest friends say quick little goodbyes, hoping that she’ll come back in one piece.  
Deacon smiles up at her. “Promise not to get killed?”  
“Only if you do the same.”  
Shaking his head, the spy steps a safe distance away from the teleporter. “Good luck.”  
Sturges interrupts their eye contact by handing her a holotape, giving her a few instructions and his own goodbye. He then hurries back to the console and begins inputting commands. The gigantic machine starts sparking and humming loudly. Although the teleporter seems to be barely holding together, it works. All it takes is a flash, then Whisper is gone.  
The equipment crumples to pieces after that. It truly was one-way.  
Deacon just hopes she can figure her own way out, because now all they can do is wait.

Two days later, Emma reappears in nearly blinding blue light. Her son is nowhere to be seen.  
Deacon hurries over to her. "What happened?" he asks, because he cannot begin to guess what went down.  
Wiping at her eyes, the sole survivor takes a deep breath in, then slowly lets it out. "F-fuck, Deacon, it's all gone to shit. Shaun, he's- he's running the Institute now. He's 60-goddamn-years-old."  
Deacon feels like he should hug her. He doesn't.  
"I'm sorry."  
Whisper moves past him, like she hasn't heard him. He follows her, like he's done all this time, except now it's with an ache in his heart.  
"I can't believe this. I missed out on my son's life, and now he's part of some spooky science facility."  
She's hugging her arms around her middle, and it seems like she's about to cry. Someone else should really be comforting her.  
"It might seem bad right now, but everything is going to be okay."  
"You're lying," she says, and he honestly doesn't know if he is. None of this is like he'd expected.  
Nick Valentine pokes his head out of the building nearest to them. He spots the two standing in the street, and hurries over. It's dark out, and the detective's eyes stand out against the shadows.  
"Doll, you're back. How did it go?"  
Emma turns to him, throwing her arms around him without hesitation.  
Deacon doesn't stick close to eavesdrop. He understands how personal this is.  
It's late, and most people are asleep, so he heads to his own bed and tries to get some shut eye.  
He doesn't get much, but it's better to pretend.  
The next day, Whisper is doing much better. The news of what happened in the Institute spreads fast, and soon everyone in Sanctuary is comforting the woman to the best of their abilities.  
She spends the most time with Valentine, but it's really no surprise, least of all to Deacon. It's obvious what her feelings are - the way she talks about him, acts around him, how her eyes sparkle when he's with her. She's in love, and he wonders if the big city detective notices.  
Emma is walking towards him now, though, and he does his best job to seem casual.  
"Deacon, I was wondering if you wanted to come with Nick and I to Diamond City? I figure that North Church isn't too far, and you can drop off the holotape while we're in the neighborhood."  
The woman has a point, and Deacon agrees to tag along.  
They meet back up outside of Diamond city after he talks with Dez. Valentine is not with her.  
“He’ll meet us back in Sanctuary as soon as he can. Cases have started stacking up without him there.”  
On the road, he feeds her some bullshit about founding the Railroad. Unlike last time, she doesn’t seem to believe him, although she doesn’t call him out on it either. Odd. He guesses she finally opened that ‘recall code,’ although he can’t see what prompted her to do so.  
He hopes she gets his point.

They’re going to have to destroy the Institute. This knowledge is obviously weighing down on Whisper. Although she knows that they have to - it’s either that, or the Railroad gets destroyed - she doesn’t like it. After the damage they sustained at Bunker Hill, they have to strike soon, and get as many synths out as possible.  
The woman offhandedly comments that she wishes they could save the gen 1s and 2s as well. It gives him a weird feeling - he doesn’t see those… things as people. Emma seems to. In fact, she seems to love all robots. Maybe it’s from spending so much time with her Mr. Handy.  
He doesn’t get it, but he doesn’t argue either. She’s already stressed out from the impending attack, he doesn’t need to add to it.  
Whenever it looks like Whisper is regretting her decision to help them destroy the Institute, he reminds her of all the synths they’ll be able to free. Without fail, this cheers her right back up, and she’s completely on board with the plan again. He knows he should really just care about keeping her in line with the plan until they’re ready, but seeing her happy at the idea of saving people makes his heart feel weird.  
Deacon pushes the feeling down. He doesn’t want to admit to anyone how attached he’s become, especially not to himself.  
He’s a goddamn disaster, always has been, but he’s trying to minimize casualties. At this point, though, he doubts there’s a way to feeling nothing.  
If there was, he’d have done it long ago.

When they infiltrate the Institute, Emma is leading them through. As always, seeing her cut down synths is such a stark contrast to the sweet woman he was talking to only minutes ago. Deacon doubts he'll ever get over it.  
Whisper is incredibly good at being a leader. She barks orders at the Railroad heavies, directing them in their attacks against synths. It’s obvious that she hates doing this, but she can’t just sit by and let something horrible happen to the Commonwealth. Too many people need her protection, and there are too many people she wants to protect.  
He knows, now, that he was wrong in assuming she had nobody. If anything, she has people she genuinely loves. He hesitates to put himself in that category.  
Talking to her son must be rough, but she stays strong. Hitting that detonation button is probably a thousand times worse, yet she still stays strong. He can't imagine what she must be going through. Nobody can. He assumes that’s why they all go on like nothing has happened. Deacon can see it - rather, he can see that she’s going to break down any minute now. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to stop it - this has been coming for a long time.

Everyone is celebrating the destruction of the Institute. The boogeyman is finally gone. Deacon can't help but feel proud - of the Railroad, Emma, and even himself. They worked for so long to get to this point. Their work is far from over, but it'll be a hell of a lot easier without the Institute hanging over their heads.  
Deacon watches as Whisper slips out of the room. If it were anyone else, he would leave them alone.  
He exits the party and goes after her. Emma is always the exception to his rules.  
The sole survivor is in her old house - the one she lived in before the war.  
He can hear her crying. She's sitting in her baby's room.  
Whisper has taken her mask off. Maybe he shouldn't be here. He stays anyways.  
"What's a fine girl like you doing in a place like this?" Deacon asks, though his voice is obviously strained.  
Emma tenses for a second, but she recognizes his voice almost immediately after.  
"I could ask you the same."  
The spy sits down on the floor next to her. Their elbows are almost touching.  
"Is this about Shaun?"  
He figures dancing around the topic is only going to make him chicken out.  
"I- I don't know what you mean."  
She knows exactly what he means. By now, he can see straight through her lies. He doesn't consider it a blessing.  
"You can tell me," Deacon says, trying to sound sincere.  
It must work, because she's nodding and wiping at her eyes. "I know, it's just-" She pauses. "I killed my son."  
"You did it for a good cause."  
"That doesn't change what I did."  
There's silence for a while after that. Deacon doesn't know what to say. Well, he knows what he could say, but it's all white lies and misleading words.  
For once in his life, Deacon is tired of lying.  
“Tell me a story,” Emma finally says, and it surprises him.  
“What?”  
“I said tell me a story. Please.”  
He probably shouldn’t indulge her, but he does anyways. He understands the need for a distraction. It’s the least he can do for her.  
“Well… How about a once upon a time? Too cheesy?”  
That gets him a small smile. “That’s just what I need right now. By all means, go on.”  
When he opens his mouth to speak, he fully intends to make up some obviously bullshit story. That isn’t what comes out.  
“Once upon a time, there was a young, idiotic kid.”  
Deacon’s heart is pounding in his chest. It’s dark, and he can’t tell what Emma is thinking, which is perfect. He’d probably stop talking if he could see her facial expressions, too afraid of giving everything away.  
“This kid was violent, bigoted, and had way too much time on his hands, so he joined a group of people just like him. They called themselves the U.P. Deathclaws.”  
He pours the story out, not hearing so much as a word from Emma the whole time. When he’s finished, he doesn’t dare look up at her, nor does he say anything else. If she has something to say, he won’t need to prompt her.  
A hand gently touches his shoulder. “What… what was this kid’s name?”  
Heart still racing, Deacon takes a deep breath before answering. “Nobody know’s his real name - not anymore. Most people call him Deacon, though,” he answers, finally looking up.  
In the dim light, he can see her looking right at him. There’s a small pause as Emma processes this, then she wraps her arms around him tightly.  
“I guess we’re both pretty fucked up, then.” She lets out a small sigh. “Thank you for telling me the truth.”  
He stills, not sure if he should hug her back, but the contact is short-lived. He wishes he had the guts to ask her to keep hugging him.  
“No problem-o.”  
“You don’t have to feed me that crap. I know this meant a lot to you, considering how much you lie. I’m just glad you trust me.”  
He should have known spending all this time with Emma would hone her ability to see right through him as well as his own.  
“After everything that’s happened, of course I trust you.” It’s the truth, surprisingly. After everything he’s admitted to, he should probably be more careful.  
Too late now, though.  
“I’d, uh, really appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone, though.”  
“Don’t worry, I’ll keep it a secret.”  
Deacon smiles. “Pinky promise?”  
This makes Emma laugh, breaking the tension. “Whatever you say.”  
They get up and dust themselves off. Lightheartedness follows them back to the party. Back in the fray, people ask her to dance with them and she happily obliges.  
“What happened?” Nick Valentine asks, suddenly right next to Deacon. He gives a fraction of a flinch in surprise. Considering it’s been a pretty wild ride today, he cuts himself some slack for it.  
“What do you mean?” the spy replies innocently. Valentine doesn’t buy it.  
“You know what I mean.”  
Deacon considers not saying anything at all. Emma would probably be disappointed in him, though, and he hates that.  
“We talked. Emma was feeling shitty after…” he trails off.  
Valentine’s face softens. “I get it. She needed someone.”  
Deacon smirks. Maybe the detective is perceptive. “Probably still does. Mind taking care of her for me, Nicky?”  
He looks up at the tall robot. Valentine is amused - which is good, because he doesn’t doubt the synth could strangle him without breaking a sweat. Heh.  
“Don’t mind at all.”  
There’s a lull in the conversation, and they both look over at Emma. She’s dancing somewhat clumsily with Codsworth now, but they’re both enjoying it, so it doesn’t really matter if it looks a little ridiculous.  
“She loves you, you know,” Deacon says, even though he doesn’t mean to.  
Valentine pulls a cigarette out of a pack, idly playing with it in his fingers. He looks crestfallen.  
“I know.”  
The Diamond City detective is full of surprises. Deacon stares at him for a long moment before speaking again.  
“Then why not talk to her about it?” For better or for worse, talking it out would at least do something. It’s better than being idle, at least.  
“I’m afraid,” Valentine admits. “It’s… complicated, but long story short I’ve got some issues that not even she can fix, though she tries her hardest. I’m afraid I’ll hurt her.”  
That’s got quite a lot of implications to it, and Deacon doesn’t bother to try understanding just yet. Guessing at the puzzle with only a few pieces will make him biased.  
Not that he isn’t already biased.  
“Isn’t it better to take that chance?” he tries.  
Valentine finally lights the cigarette, taking a quick puff of it.  
“I’m not sure. I suppose I’ll have to decide, though.”  
They’ll all have to make choices eventually, since the future of the ‘Wealth is changing with the destruction of the Institute. For now, they can take a break under disco lights, the smell of smoke making him feel more at home than he has in a long, long time.  
In this little town, with this little bliss, he can pretend that the weight of the world isn’t on his shoulders. He can even almost believe it.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing a full one-shot in present tense, so please let me know if there are any mistakes I missed! Thank you for reading.


End file.
